do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you. do not let it get to you.
okay, so let’s rewind to a couple weeks ago. a 200 point project gets assigned in latin, a class that i had an 88% in at that time. obviously, i become fairly determined to make this project as perfect as possible.
in the weeks that follow, i work a little bit every day on this project, some nights more than others, until the week of my presentation was due. by sunday, i was about halfway done. tuesday night, i was up late working on my project on our computer - which crashed a couple weeks ago but is back up - when a friend of mine called. it was 11:30. i clicked “save as” (this is key - SAVE AS) to save it to my usb stick so that it’s for sure safe in case the computer crashed again, and went upstairs to talk to her without clicking “save”. an hour and a half later, i come back downstairs to find that the computer has crashed again, and because the usb stick was in the middle of saving when that happened, everything was cleared off of the usb. everything.
at this point, it’s 1am and i’m exhausted. luckily, another one of our computers still had part of my project on it, and i still had all my handwritten notes, so luckily i wouldn’t have to do everything, but i set my alarm for 5 so i can do everything over again that just got erased. wake up at 7, i’ve slept through my alarm. walk downstairs, make myself some breakfast, and sit down to work on this thing. my brother comes downstairs and yells at me because i didn’t put the butter away. i quietly get up and put it away, while in my head i’m 2 seconds from a total breakdown. i sit back down to work on my project.
my mom enters the story at this point, and comes in yelling at me because of all the things i neglected to do before bed the night before, not knowing any of what happened. i say “sorry” and keep working. my dog comes over and starts tapping on the door, signifying that he wants to go out. i was a little preoccupied and didn’t notice, so when my brother came over and asked if i was “stupid this morning or what,” i simply said “sorry” again and kept working, all the while telling myself to keep taking as many deep breaths as possible. my mom is still yelling at me.
so i stand up to put away the stuff she’s yelling at me to put away, walk into the office, and set it on the stack of papers on the desk. the stack promptly falls over, papers and tape and pencils and everything everywhere. perfect right?
so i go to school and the rest of the day goes great. my classes are all great, i come home and get a lot done on the project which was great, went ice skating with all of my favorite people which was great, and then i come home. i’m up until 3am, being the perfectionist that i am, when really i could have called it a night at midnight and would have still probably gotten an okay grade. but i was determined. i had to get a good grade on this project.
so by 3, my eyes were really fighting me to stay open, and i knew that trying to write or comprehend anything at this point simply wasn’t going to happen. so i set my alarm for 5 and went to take a nap.
my alarm goes off at 5, and i flip on the light, then sludge over to my notecards and visual aid, which i had left on the floor a couple hours earlier. and what do you know? my cat had thrown up on all of it. all of it. ALL OF IT. at this point, i’m beginning to think that someone up there is either having a really, really bad day and wants me to have a bad day too, or they just have a sick sense of humor. (in case you were wondering, i wasn’t laughing)
in fact, i had a little bit of a breakdown. as quietly as possible (because my brothers were sleeping on either side of me) i sobbed. all i want is for this project to be perfect. is that really too much to ask? 15 minutes later, i commence my self-pity and get back to work. rewrite my notecards, redo my visual aid, and get ready for school. exhausted? you bet.
so i walk into class and my teacher tells me to set up. i proceed to give my presentation, and surprisingly, the words that came out of my mouth weren’t jumbled or mumbled or incoherent; this project was actually coming through. my eyes felt like they were going to fall out of their sockets and my throat was so dry and tired and sore it burned, but finally i was done, and i sat down.
i sat there for the remainder of the class thinking “okay, i got a solid b at least, but i really think i might have aced that!” the bell rings, and i get out of my seat. my teacher says “wait, i have your rubric!” and runs over to me. she hands me the green sheet, and i glance down. 200/200. a perfect score.
my knees turned to jelly, and all i wanted to do was hug her (and everyone else in the class) and jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs and dance around in a circle and anything else happy you can think of. sweet, sweet, sweet relief. and now i’m going out to dinner to celebrate. and then coming home and going to bed. at 8.
woke up this morning from a very refreshing dream, MIKE CAME HOME TODAY, went to latin and mrs. kennings didn’t give me one dirty look, the rest of my classes also went well, DID I MENTION MIKE IS FINALLY HOME, and time with boyfriend. i’ve just been in the best mood all day! :D
i understand sarcasm. i understand being frustrated. i understand being hurt.
but there will never be a good enough justification to excuse some of the words that come out of people’s mouths sometimes. talk about it, work it out, let it go. but there’s no need to hurt people just because they hurt you.
“Cute is when your personality shines through your looks. Like, when you see someone’s personality in the way they walk and you just feel like hugging them every time you see them.”—Natalie Portman (via ohbabyitsnatalie)
started off really hard. i was running on less than 3 hours of sleep, still had a million things to do, and was feeling really upset/unsure about a few things.
then a couple things happened. 1) my latin teacher decided to be really nice and let me do my project on the day i was originally supposed to (next friday instead of this wednesday), which takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders for this week. 2) i have an a in econ, even though i have literally been to that class 6 times this semester. 3) opening night went really, really well. 4) more new friends from arizona! 5) phone date with my future roomie/long lost soulmate. 6) reset some priorities and regained a little bit of personal focus.
i’m still really tired. i still have a ridiculous amount of things to do before this week is done. and i’m still having a hard time accepting that this week is actually here. but i feel stable, and loved, and…okay. better than okay. i feel happy. and exhausted. but happy :)
1) when i get overwhelmed, i shut down. my to do list just runs through my brain over and over again, and eventually my brain turns off and i can’t think. i have to physically take a step back and force myself to get back on track, one item at a time.
2) i hate confrontation, to the point that i have a hard time sticking up for myself. while i believe very strongly in talking about problems instead of ignoring them, i hate telling people that they have hurt me, because then i just end up feeling bad.
3) i get really paranoid when i’m alone.
4) i am inconsistant. as a friend, as a girlfriend. i have a tendency to run away from people when i feel like i am getting too close, not to mention that i am completely spontaneous and i’m sure it gets annoying haha.
5) i have a really hard time forcing myself to focus. if i’m in a non-productive mood, i have to work REALLY hard to get anything done, no matter how badly it needs to get done.
day 7-9 (a.k.a. taking a break from my latin project)
day 7: opinion on my body.
everyone has little things that they don’t like about themselves physically. i could complain about the size of my ribs or that my tummy isn’t flat enough - and i do. everyone has moments of insecurity. but overall, i’m very comfortable in my skin :)
day 8: the last person who texted me
cody barnes. someone i dated freshman year. he’s kind of immature, and needs to figure out what he’s doing with his life, but he’s a total sweetheart and is one of only a handful of exes that i am still close to :)
day 9: current relationship
since moving here 6 years ago, there have only been a couple friendships that have been consistent. this year, one of those friendships became a little bit more than that haha :) we started liking each other november/december, and officially began dating in february. and it is wonderful :)
there are moments of frustration, like with any relationship, but we are SO comfortable with each other and can talk about anything, so even the little frustrations only last for a few minutes, then we talk about it and everything is great again. only downside is that both of us are so crazy busy that if we do ever get time alone to hang out it’s rarely for more than an hour or 2, and we’re both already so exhausted all the time from everything else. i can’t wait for summer.